I’m So Embarrassed
“You own what kind of business? Oh, you wouldn’t want to see my place. I’d be so embarrassed.” This is what I hear sometimes when I tell people what I do.
We’ll laugh, then I follow up with, “I’ve seen it all, I don’t judge, and actually, I’d love to see your place!” At times, this is met with a still-nervous smile, but it gets a conversation rolling about our stuff and the impact it makes. I’ve seen how we carry shame about how much we own, even when we’re not totally to blame. Indiscriminate over-consumption, fear of letting stuff go, and keeping up with the Joneses is engrained in our culture with very little guidance toward making mindful choices about what we own and how we own it. Over-ownership is the result, and wow, can it affect our lives.
When it comes to consuming, we’re taught either by example or by advertising that more is better. You can’t live without it! When it comes to letting stuff go that we already own, a barrage of fear-based anxieties cripple us from making sound decisions. You can’t live without it! It’s no wonder our homes become museums for every gift received, someday projects, unread magazines, and shoes we never wear but also don’t get rid of. We can’t bear to find out what might happen if we CAN live without it. Fear, a scarcity mindset, and expected levels of consumption all come into play. Isn’t it easier to just ignore it all and keep adding to the piles?
In her Psychology Today article, “Embarrassment”, Mary C. Lamia Ph.D. states, “Embarrassments usually result from accidental behaviors that lead you to feel negative about yourself--even when you had no intention of violating a social standard.” If you trip in public, you feel awkward. It being an accident, you get over it quickly. When it comes to over-owning, the behavior of obtaining and keeping stuff is seemingly accidental. One day you look around and wonder how the heck all this stuff took over your home. The social standard Lamia speaks of also becomes murky – aren’t we all in the same boat of owning too much stuff? Isn’t that the norm now? Yet inherently, we somehow know we own too much stuff despite the contradictory social cues. We’re told ‘Own more!’ and ‘Don’t throw it out!’ But eventually, we clock on to a consciousness, an internal tipping point that senses we own too much stuff. Our possessions start making us feel frustrated, tired, depressed, and often, embarrassed. It’s a discomfort difficult to fess up to, as we’re the ones who made this unintentional mess – no one else! We never had plans of owning so much, and yet, here we are, surrounded by piles of stuff that we chose to collect or spend money on, keep in our company, maintain, and provide a home for. When at one time we were proud to show our homes to guests, now we’re sometimes too embarrassed to invite company over.
Our mess is not just a result of consumerism (I mean, is a glut of shoes really such a bad thing??); it comes from every item that crosses the threshold of our home, even when it’s free. Promotional schwag, handouts and papers, stuff on the curbside that’s too good to pass up, etc. Our abundance becomes over-abundance, ironically hampering our enjoyment of life itself. The What Ifs, Maybe Somedays and But I’s creep in and take a firm hold: What if I need it someday? Maybe someday I’ll get back to that. But I spent a lot of money on it! And my favorite, BUT IT WAS FREE! Before we know it, we feel obligated to keep everything that came through our door, seemingly forever.
Lamia continues, “Some emotion researchers have speculated that aspects of embarrassment are a less intense shame that is related to a negative self-evaluation (Lewis, 2010; Tomkins, 1963).” Our possessions reflect who we are, in essence evaluating us in a glance. When that image doesn’t mirror who we want to be, a disconnect occurs, creating an unpleasant self-consciousness. We disassociate from our stuff and make excuses, but the reality remains. Our stuff is still there in the morning, when we come home from work, when we move, when we retire…. It can be overwhelming.
But there is a cure! Instead of being stymied by embarrassment, we can trust there is another path. We can have faith that by shifting our perspective about tackling our stuff, things will not only be ok, they’ll be fantastic. We can shift to enjoying our home’s every square foot. We can shift to having our space serve us rather than us serve it. We can shift to being excited for visitors. By ignoring social standards of consumption, leaving fear behind, and being mindful of what we bring into our home, we can mirror the potential we see in ourselves. Be embarrassed, feel the emotion, then decide to move forward. With a concentrated effort toward decluttering and downsizing, that embarrassment is certain to transform into relief, progress, and joy. Now that’s something to live with!
